● KODO

KODO
— Walking to a new chapter of the world, naked
————————————————

When I was in Taiwan I once attended a performance of Japanese drum
group 神鼓童. The impact of the beating had always been in my mind.

Yesterday, I went to the Ravinia in north side of the Greater Chicago
to watch Japanese KODO professional drum performance.
http://www.kodo.or.jp/frame.html

Again I totally submerged myself into the drum sounds. In one of the
programs, the repeating of the pure, simple, concerted, cooperative
sound of drumming got heavier and heavier, deeper and deeper into my
soul.

I felt disintegrated, exposed, dismentled … I felt that every layer
of outter facades of mine were pealed off completely, and what was
left was the bare, naked self — a simple, pure, innocent core …

I was so touched and suddenly found myself standing there crying. The
tears just kept pouring in accordance with waves and waves of the
drum rhythm, which seemed to expose a hole, a missing part of my life,
that has been there awaitig me to discover and fill it full for all
my life.

I then suddenly realized what a simple person I am; I felt I have taken
too much from this world — the clothes, the car, the tables, the
computers, the financial support … everything.

And most profoundly, the love and care and help from people … I have
taken too much thus have been in too much debt to this world, to these
people, that the sense of this debt has turned into a sense of guilt
way too much and too heavy for my simple form of life to bear.

I felt that I haven’t been honest to myself — I haven’t been recognizing
how much I need a simple way of life. I have kept asking for something
and expecting for something from this outside world, but seldom sit down,
quiet down to face myself, to look at what the real me is, to really pay
attention to how critical it is to me to tend to that bare core of the
simple and innocent me. I felt that I have been so weak thus I surrenderred
too easily to the desire of gain, to the seduction of material worlds, and
got myself lost in the sea of glory and applauding.

I wish that I could get rid of everything right now and turn myself into a
simple living being — just like the simple form of drum beating — pure,
simple, free, precise, and independent and powerful … I wish that I
could cut away from myself any redundant residual of desire and emotion,
and make myself stand solid like a warrior, with a confidence not based
on whatever I poccessed or grabbed or achieved in this world, but based
on just me, just the knowledge and recognition of the existence of a pure
me.

With this simplicity I wish I could walk bravely, straight forward toward
the goal of a warrior and a wiser, without the distraction of desire,
entertainment, over joy or sadness or whatever emotion or non-rational
thinking that might cut me off or lead me into a wrong direction.

With the drum sticks were still beating on the stage and the tears still kept
rolling down on my cheeks, I realized that a new world has sent her gesture
to me, that a new chapter of my life has been opened. I learned that I
would be walking solid toward the goal of a hunter, a warrior, a wiser,
with a new realization of the bare, innocent, intrinsic, primitive core of
me.

【冬意】

－ 給小豬

吃完晚餐走出 Madeci
迎面而來的盡是寒意
忽想妳那熱呼呼的身體
想到這正是妳的天氣
心裡便昇起一股暖意

是怎樣的天意
讓我們有機會在一起
我想到這輩子還有誰
像妳一樣對我有情有義

不禁有一股聲音來自心底
有一股聲音，告訴我自己
要對妳好好珍惜

  大牛
  即興作於芝加哥冬夜
  2004年1月20日 

▼ Dead Poet Society

電視重播 Dead Poet Society
呵呵我的最愛。。。

Knox 對 Chris 的迷戀
衝到教室裡又送花又讀詩
羞澀、茫然卻又果決
令人會心一笑的
什麼樣的一種癡情

還有 Neil 啊 ！
最最令人心疼 ──
每看著他在最後一夜裡
輕輕撫拭房間裡的一切
然後慢慢地，脫掉衣服
戴上他表演用過的道具
冷靜、莊嚴、萬念灰絕地
為自己劃上句點。。。

我就不可自制地
跟著痛哭的 Todd 落淚

令人心疼啊！Neil
你的心境，我
完全、完全瞭解。。。

──────────────────────
關於〈Dead Poet Society〉:

羅賓威廉斯主演的 Mr. Keating 是一位老師，被聘到一所校規嚴謹的教會中學教文學。他跳脫傳統的教學方式，把學生帶出戶外，把文學與藝術帶入一顆顆純潔年輕的心靈裡。對一群剛走出孩童時期，對社會對人生充滿了好奇的青少年來說，Keating 所帶給他們的感動與衝擊是無可言喻的。就這樣，Keating 成了他們的精神領袖，也因為心靈解放了出來，這些孩子們開始發揮他們的想像力與好奇心，會在三更半夜熄燈宵禁之後，集體偷跑出校，到附近的山洞裡組成一個詩社「Dead Poet Society」，大家拿著手電筒輪流一個一個朗誦詩篇。

他們還積極地參與學校的社團活動。 Neil 熱愛戲劇，參加了一個劇團的排練並準備演出舞台劇。可是，他的父親是個非常嚴謹的人（記得好像是當官的或是將領級人物），一心想要栽培 Neil 擠身上流社會，成為律師、醫生之流的人士，因此極力反對 Neil 去「搞那些有的沒有的」。這其間父子兩人經過幾次激烈的「交鋒」，最後他父親終於心不甘情不願地同意讓他去表演。鏡頭裡播出 Neil 到了學校，在跟老師 Keating 講到「父親的同意」時，臉上並沒有開心的表情，而是一種極度疲憊的苦笑，似乎 Neil 為了爭取這個「同意」而弄得精疲力竭，也似為了後來的悲劇做了暗示。

演完了舞台劇，大家正在慶祝時，他老爸衝了進去，把兒子從眾人的歡笑聲中拉了回家。老爸告訴他：

“I won't let you ruin your life!”

並打算即刻把他退學，轉學到軍校然後再去念醫科。這對 Neil 來講是個晴天霹靂的消息，也幾乎等於是判死刑。

於是兩個人又爭執了起來。老爸說：

“You got to understand that you have opportunities I never even dreamt of …”

Neil 打斷話題："I got to tell you how I feel …"

老爸也搶著說："So tell me how you feel !!!!!"

楞了一陣，Neil 似乎不知道要怎麼起頭。他大概意識到，老爸的詢問，並非是真正的傾聽，而是在搜索另一個壓制他的理由。

老爸接著說：

“Is it more about this acting business? Because you can forget about it…”

Neil 默然。

老爸又進逼：”What?”

Neil 又沈默了一陣，臉上突然出現詭異的微笑 ── 一個不應該在這時候出現的微笑 ── 然後在回了一句 “Nothing…” 之後，頹然地坐倒在沙發上。

短短的幾個表情，幾句對白，把 Neil 的心境轉換描繪得淋漓盡致。Neil 從「試圖做困獸之鬥」的掙扎，到最後終於絕望地意識到，在家裡，他的一生是要由父親來定義；而在父親的定義裡，他的生命本質是完全不值錢的。對他而言生命中最重要的追求─藝術，在父親的眼裡卻是屬於會 “ruin your life” 的。既不被尊重，又不能跳脫，生命還有意義嗎？再想到這樣的陰影還要再過個十年，唯一的出路，似乎也就只有自己做一個「莊嚴的結束」了。。。

這部電影還有其他層面可以探討。但是，印像最深刻的總是這部份。一個對藝術的感動，到了「在生命中不可或缺」的程度的小孩，如果父母親提供的是以商業利益的為導向的家庭環境，那麼這個小孩會有什麼樣的心路歷程呢？

只但願天下父母親，帶小孩的時候，千萬千萬不要把自己未完成的夢想投射在小孩身上。

（註：Todd 是 Neil 的好朋友；Neil 死後，Todd 哭得死去活來）

■ 關於「廢除僑委會」

(2003 TAA-Chicago Newsletter的投書)

大家好！

我是在 U of Chicago 的博士後研究員潘潤生。

看到 Gene 寄出的「廢除僑務委員會」的附件，我感到有點悲傷：海外臺灣人為什麼到現在還在用「古老的方式」打「現在的戰爭」？

「僑務委員會」固然是 KMT 時代的產物，但是，一個機構可以有「階段性」的角色。以前台獨人士是根本不可能去接近這個組織，但是現在情況不同，我們有機會可以透過「參與」的方式去接收這個組織的龐大資源。

但是，海外臺灣人到現在還沒看清楚這個大好的機會，還在用以前的觀念在體制外打游擊戰。

試想：「僑務委員會」是那樣一個大餅，那些分享到權益的人，有可能自斷飯碗嗎？我們在公司工作、上班，如果有人說要投票決定是不是要把你 fire 掉，你有可能去投票贊成他嗎？

再來：看看阿扁的對待統派的軟弱做為，你們難道還真的相信他會在任內把「僑務委員會」砍掉嗎？在我看來簡直是痴人說夢。

在這樣「主觀、客觀條件都不可能」的情況下，我們還在心理上極端地排斥這個組織，唯一的下場，就是「放棄我們的參與權，讓這個組織繼續往統派偏過去」。我們有機會去接收它而不去接收它，反而把時間精神浪費在「不可能達成」的任務上。這樣下去，難道我們自己不必為「僑委會在繼續收買統派人心」負責嗎？

事實很明顯：我們不去接收它，它只好繼續聘用那些統派，不但讓這個組織的「統派色彩」更嚴重更難廢除，還讓他們有機會繼續利用「僑委會」的資源去收買人心。

你們的目標是在「廢除僑務委員會」，但是你們的做法，卻是「讓它有機會更向統派團結」「有機會繼續收買人心」，造成「敵長我消」的下場。這種「實際做法與目標剛好相反」的行為，難道不是很荒謬嗎？

我們應該做的，是鼓勵、支持更多的海外臺灣人加入僑委會，讓僑委會裡面有更多「支持台獨」的聲音，這樣不但可以利用僑委會的資源在海外推廣我們的理念，還可以更進一步把它改名為「台僑委員會」。這樣的「接收」方式，遠比「廢除」還要輕鬆、容易得多。

唉！這個話題，我以前在 email list 上跟幾位台獨的前輩（如 Sebo 等）有過很熱烈的「辯論」，到最後真的是講到無力了。海外台獨人士如果不能跟著時代的演變調整步伐，不知道「改變手段」、「利用機會」走「最近的路」，那大概只有當「永遠的游擊隊」的份。

最後，我想跟各位說聲抱歉，因為有些用詞口氣可能過於強烈，這是因為憂心，希望不會被當成是一種冒犯。

■ Why Taiwan is Important to USA

———————————
This is a letter in response to reader comments about a program “DANGEROUS STRAITS” by PBS:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/china/

Reader forum:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/china/talk/
———————————

Dear FRONTLINE,

Several readers pointed out that the U.S. should not risk American lives to protect Taiwan against China. Indeed, why would, or should, America “spill her blood” on other people’s land for something that “seems to be” none of America’s business ?

What is so puzzling is that, for the past several decades, the U.S. government DID maintain an attitude that is/was opposite of that sentiment. Why ??? Is it that the American government has been so wrong for so many years, yet no one within the government has ever tried to fix it ? Or is there something missing in the above-mentioned mindset ?

Why should America protect Taiwan anyway ??? Is Taiwan’s “being free from from China” really none of American’s business ???

This brings us to one very crucial point which was missing, intentionally or not, from the episode of “Dangerous Straits:” the strategic role of Taiwan in terms of her geographical location.

About 100 miles off China’s eastern shores, Taiwan is on the western edge of the Pacific Ocean. To Taiwan’s north lies Korea and Japan. To her south, the Philippines. Together with Korean, Japan and the Philippines, Taiwan is one of the indispensable elements of a strategically defensive front line which seperates red China and the Pacific Ocean. If Taiwan falls into China’s hand, the entire Pacific Ocean will be wide open to China. This means that the American people will be face-to-face with red China across the Pacific Ocean. The U.S. and China will be staring at each other across the great expanse of the Pacific without any large in-between islands or land mass which the U.S. can claim as an ally.

Why does it matter? In the event of a crisis in eastern Asia, military or otherwise, the lack of islands that can be considered an ally to America may pose significant and serious logistical issues if the U.S. were to mass troops and other equipment for any contingency missions into or around China. One prime example is the current war in Afghanistan where the U.S. has had to use considerable diplomatic leverage in persuading the likes of Uzbekistan and Pakistan for the use of their facilities.

The strategic role that Taiwan plays has been so crucial that it has actually dictated, conscious or otherwise, the American’s policy toward Taiwan for half a century.

As for the argument that “face-to-face with China, so what?”, it depends on if you trust the Chinese government. Being a Taiwanese, I won’t. We have suffered enough.

【Simple World】

Strolling along the path of life
the care, the love, the passion
the sense, the shapes, the emotion
the events, the words, the history …
finally all getting to fade away
What have left behind —
A simple realization
for the beauty
the richness
the freedom
of the pure, simple
Vivid Worlds

【左手小指】

Drawing by my wife Shirley

是夕陽 是海風 是纖細多情的雙魚 左手的小指 就這樣輕輕地 把一生的感動 輕輕地 輕輕地按住 … ———————– 《古典吉他手記》– 7/18/01 –